Campaign Tour lands on Water Street

I'd like to thank the real-not-phony Americans who have taken the time out of their day to show up at my campaign stops and drink $2 bottles of Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery and celebrate my historic candidacy for multiple political offices. As I remember, last week was an encouraging evening down by The Nomad on Brady and this Thursday it's over to a new joint Downtown, Six Degrees, Water St. & Clybourn, 7 to 9 p.m. -And get this, next week the 18th it's out to Brook-focking-field at the Pistol Pete's for heaven's sake. What a guy won't do for a vote and a two-buck-a-beer Focktoberfest, I tell you.

The People Ask:

How do you get two politicians to act bipartisan?
-You shoot one. Ba-ding!
What the fock.
And the people yearn to know:
What is the difference between a wealthy-ass candidate for public office
and a sack of manure?
-I figure it's got to be the sack, ain'a?

A Little Story

So for years and years, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel descended from the skies and said to these impassive figures, "You've been such inspirational statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I will bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which you can do anything you please." And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other tentatively, but soon dashed for the bushes, and shortly was heard a good deal of giggling and laughter, not to mention the shaking of branches. A while later, the two statues emerged from the bushes sporting wide grins and covered with dirt and leaves. The angel winked at them and said, "Just so you know, you still have fifteen more minutes." And the female statue turned to the male and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Nomad Tour Stop

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Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Another volunteer joins the campaign. Click here to see more of the huddled masses.

Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It

As some of you's may have heard, I've been lately laying heavy pipe for my much ballyhooed Democracy Campaign For Any and All Political Office, Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am. And I got to tell you that this historic run to be your multiple public servant can take its physical toll on a fella like me not accustomed to a boatload of public activity on a regular basis, I kid you not.

Q: What's the difference between a "Cheesehead" and a "Dickhead?" A: THE STATE LINE

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Yeah yeah, so another Brewers baseball season has crumbled 'cross the furshlugginer finish line. But if it's of any consolation, why don't you ask yourself the same question I asked myself after the last game of the regular season, which is: What does a bear on birth control and the World Series have in common? No Cubs. Ba-ding!

Food For Thought

So this morning, with a couple hours of campaign work ahead of me, I figured it couldn't hurt to have a Babe Ruth kind of breakfast Bambino-style. This is what I had:

First, I called up one of those escort services to send somebody over 'cause when I've got a nice spread on my table, I enjoy a tidbit of chat with my meal, which was a T-bone steak (medium rare), three eggs (scrambled), half a pint of bourbon (Jim Beam), hot dog (Armour bun-length frank), pot of coffee (black), a nice smoke (Viceroy), chicken leg (mock), the other half pint of Beam (bourbon), bowl of cereal (Trix), beef jerky (courtesy of my escort), another smoke along with some potato salad (homestyle), glass of water (tap), a little something I couldn't tell what it was so I threw it out (back of the refrigerator), four Dutch windmill cookies (Rippin' Good, I think), bottle of ice cold beer (Pabst).

Cripes Almighty

So once a week I'm supposed to show up at some prearranged joint for a couple hours where my campaign handlers force me to drink $2 bottles of ice-cold Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery all the while I'm signing this and I'm signing that while I'm talking how I'm the second coming of George Washington and every other Tom, Dick and Dickless candidate is a loser-ass fockstick, not to mention having to scout the crowd for assembled ladies and gals who may possess the right stuff to serve as a running mate 'cause I plan to run a big-tent campaign and I sure would like it for a lady next to me center-ring under the big-top, you bet.

Putting the "Fock" in Focktoberfest

Say, if those Lakefront guys and gals don't make the best beer in town then I don't know who does.

Campaign Continues "But Good"

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? As the first two stops along these campaign tours of mine for whatever-office-you-got went off like fireworks on Chinese New Year, I'm continuing my push for public office as Mr. Yours Truly by hosting another drink-together at The Nomad World Pub and Tavernry this Thursday at 8 pm, don't forget. And it sure would be nice if all you Fockettes came out and showed your supports, I kid you not. But most importantly remember this: Vote Art Kumbalek and win a 10-speed bike, god bless America 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.