Starbucks Focks With Free Enterprise

So, I read in this week's Shepherd that Starfocks is focking with free enterprise AGAIN!

Seems that the suits out there in the town that stole Mike Holmgren decided to kick out the Shepherd Express from our hometown Milwaukee stores. Or, at least that's what Starfock's corporate raider brethren at the big newspaper in town want you to believe.

The JS's free weekly decided to cut a deal to eliminate the Shepherd from area Starfocks, but the problem is that somebody from Starfocks corporate office says it's up to the store manager at each store.

Here's the quote from this week's Shepherd Express:

“When the Shepherd contacted Starbucks, Kelly Mattran, Midwest regional manager for Starbucks Coffee Co., said:

“Based on limited space in our newspaper racks, Milwaukee-area Starbucks stores will continue to carry the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and MKE newspapers. Individual Starbucks stores will continue to have the option to carry Shepherd Express newspapers based on available space. The decision as to whether a particular Starbucks carries the Shepherd will be at the discretion of each individual store manager.”

The Shepherd Express has been an independent voice in Milwaukee for the past 25 years. You, our readers, are our only leverage when it comes to dealing with large corporations that do not always agree with our political viewpoint. The Journal Sentinel is able to pay distributors a few pennies more on the sale of each paper if they can squeeze out the competition.

So, if you enjoy reading the Shepherd Express weekly and picking it up when you buy your coffee, please let your local Starbucks store manager know. ”

Campaign video

For all you fockers who missed the last stop on my Democracy Express Campaign For Any and Every Public Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Tour, here's a video of me as I speak to my future constituents, what a lovely bunch, ain'a?

I'll sign wherever you like

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Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Wow, the folks at the Trocadero really came out to wish me well as I hop back on the Democracy Train.

Auld Lang Stein

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a blast I had at with all these campaign tours of mine! I suppose I'll be seeing you's next time around, ain'a? Just remember this in the meanwhile: VOTE ART KUMBALEK AND WIN A TEN-SPEED BIKE.

Final Campaign Tour Stop TONIGHT

I got to tell you, as I conduct these campaign meet-and-greets from tavern to tavern, I'm constantly surprised if not dang near delighted by the amount of good will and support a candidate guy like me can generate just by offering ice-cold bottled Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery at $2 bucks a pop, not to mention the free focking T-shirts, campaign pins, and bumper stickers with a dollop of mine own oratory horse manure. So stop by -- (LAST CHANCE) -- tonight, All Saints' Day, at the Trocadero and win a ten-speed bike, I kid you not, 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

All Saints' Day

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And just so you know in case you were wondering, the much ballyhooed juggernaut known as The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Campaign juggers on with one more officially sanctioned 2007 stop, this being over by the East Side's Trocadero, 7-9 p.m. All Saints' Day Nov. 1, you bet.

Hillary Schmillary

Did you see that Republican debate for the president the other night and all they could talk about was Hillary? I tell you's, if she gets elected I guess it'll be nice for me 'cause with Big Bill as her First-what-the-fock, I can use all the old Clinton jokes again and not have to think up anything new, ain'a?

Vote Art Kumbalek

Lord willing, hope to see you at one of these Democracy Express events. And what I know is the last one's at this Trocadero joint over by the East Side/Downtown's Water Street. And after that, Vote Art Kumbalek and win a 10-speed bike, god bless America. I approve this message 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

What A Gas

I'll tell you, that this experience has been dang-near like I croaked and got sent to heaven, I kid you not.

Beer Embrace

Beer Embrace
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Here's me and Dawn enjoyin' the finer things.

Bumpkin Carving

Lord willing, hope to see you at one of these Democracy Express events. And what I know is the last one's at this Trocadero joint over by the East Side/Downtown's Water Street, the day after Hallo-focking-ween.

Democracy Express 2008

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And yeah you bet, the Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Campaign has been like one big picnic on the cakewalk, I kid you not. Cripes, how the heck can you top the weekly picture of you and me getting together at some preordained joint to quaff $2 bottles of usually ice-cold Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront and also otherwise hob-nob on the ways and means for me to save this country through your generous support? Hey, you tell me.

Foreign Policy

The Kumbalek Fix: Shops, restaurants and focking condos. In Our Town where I come from, wherever we got some kind of problem this-or-that these days, we build shops, restaurants and condos over it and the problem seems to go away. So hey, how 'bout Darfur, Mexican border, Congo, Tora Bora, polar ice cap—Middle East? Erect a serviceable climate-controlled dome over Jerusalem and put in some nice shops, restaurants and condos. Mazel tov.

When I'm Elected

Need a prescription? Write it yourself and then tear it up 'cause you won't need it, no sir. We're going to have way-affordable over-the-counter drugs available 24/7 at every supermarket and 7-11 from coast to coast for whatever ails you. I especially insist on pills and capsulets to help the focksticks who can't keep their yaps shut during the motion picture at the movie theater as well as pills to prevent those knobs from waiting until every single focking item in their grocery cart crosses the scanner and be bagged by the plastic-paper consultant before they start fumbling for their checkbook and wad of coupons. And the pot what-they-call-the-marijuana? You bet. You'll find it in the seasoning section $9.95-an-ounce over by the baking accoutrements. Hey, it's green, and it comes from the earth just like your tomatoes, cauliflower and daffodils, so how can that be bad for you? You tell me.

Focktoberfest is a tax-deductible contribution

Focktoberfest is a tax deductible contribution
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Yes, it's true. Buy Focktoberfest beer at Pistol Pete's in Brook-focking-field and you can deduct it as a campaign contribution.

Find Value at Art-Mart

No matter what kind of bug-up-your-butt you got, be it local, state, asshole neighbor, nation-wide, wife/girlfriend, or world-wide, you just come to Art-Mart and I would sure-as-shootin' take care of it. With me in all the hallowed halls of offices, you would no longer have to dick around with the County Courthouse, City Hall, town-hall meeting, Madison, D.C., the Hague and who-knows-where. Fock no. Just come to me. Come to Art-Mart where you'll find value for all your political needs, I kid you not. All you got to do is get off your ass and vote.

One-Stop Shopping

My dream is that when it comes to your political needs, I would be your one-stop shopping—call me the Art-Mart for the Great Unwashed Public. I could be your county sheriff, mayor, alderman, judge, senator, ambassador, coroner, crossing guard, president; and all under one hat. How convenient would that be for you's?

Taxes

The Kumbalek Fix: No taxes no more, ever again, I promise. Hey, it's your goddamn dough not the government's, ain'a? Fock 'em. So in the future, when you got a problem with a street, go buy your own jackhammer and bucket of road tar so's you can fix it yourself smart-guy, 'cause after all it's your highway boule-focking-vard, not the government's, and don't you forget it.

an Excerpt From "The Kumbalek Diaries"

"See?" the first bum says. "If you didn't crap your pants, what's that focking turd doing in your BVDs?" And the other bum says, "Fock if I know. It was there when I found 'em."

Read more at www.shepherd-express.com

Foamy Americans

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as I make the speaking rounds during my Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office—Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am—Campaign, I've learned that the people are sick up to their focking eyeballs with all the knobshine bickering that goes on in our state legislatures, in our Congress and who-the-hell knows where else, I kid you not.

LL Cool A

Click her to see more photos
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

The ladies love cool Art! Here I am over by the Six Degrees with some of the lovely ladies that came by to support the campaign.

Oh, and Fock LL Cool J -- the ladies love Art K.

Free Speech

There's no free speech. Free speech costs dough and I don't have any. That's why all these rich-focks can run for government and it's like they get to speak through one of those fancy-schmancy speaker systems like they got in an arena. For the poor schmucks who can't pay for the free speech, it's like you may well as be talking with rotten teeth, bleeding gums, a draining boil on your tongue, and right before they hand you the microphone, somebody tapes your mouth shut and breaks your jaw with a focking baseball bat.

Campaign Tour lands on Water Street

I'd like to thank the real-not-phony Americans who have taken the time out of their day to show up at my campaign stops and drink $2 bottles of Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery and celebrate my historic candidacy for multiple political offices. As I remember, last week was an encouraging evening down by The Nomad on Brady and this Thursday it's over to a new joint Downtown, Six Degrees, Water St. & Clybourn, 7 to 9 p.m. -And get this, next week the 18th it's out to Brook-focking-field at the Pistol Pete's for heaven's sake. What a guy won't do for a vote and a two-buck-a-beer Focktoberfest, I tell you.

The People Ask:

How do you get two politicians to act bipartisan?
-You shoot one. Ba-ding!
What the fock.
And the people yearn to know:
What is the difference between a wealthy-ass candidate for public office
and a sack of manure?
-I figure it's got to be the sack, ain'a?

A Little Story

So for years and years, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel descended from the skies and said to these impassive figures, "You've been such inspirational statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I will bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which you can do anything you please." And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other tentatively, but soon dashed for the bushes, and shortly was heard a good deal of giggling and laughter, not to mention the shaking of branches. A while later, the two statues emerged from the bushes sporting wide grins and covered with dirt and leaves. The angel winked at them and said, "Just so you know, you still have fifteen more minutes." And the female statue turned to the male and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Nomad Tour Stop

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Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Another volunteer joins the campaign. Click here to see more of the huddled masses.

Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It

As some of you's may have heard, I've been lately laying heavy pipe for my much ballyhooed Democracy Campaign For Any and All Political Office, Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am. And I got to tell you that this historic run to be your multiple public servant can take its physical toll on a fella like me not accustomed to a boatload of public activity on a regular basis, I kid you not.

Q: What's the difference between a "Cheesehead" and a "Dickhead?" A: THE STATE LINE

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Yeah yeah, so another Brewers baseball season has crumbled 'cross the furshlugginer finish line. But if it's of any consolation, why don't you ask yourself the same question I asked myself after the last game of the regular season, which is: What does a bear on birth control and the World Series have in common? No Cubs. Ba-ding!

Food For Thought

So this morning, with a couple hours of campaign work ahead of me, I figured it couldn't hurt to have a Babe Ruth kind of breakfast Bambino-style. This is what I had:

First, I called up one of those escort services to send somebody over 'cause when I've got a nice spread on my table, I enjoy a tidbit of chat with my meal, which was a T-bone steak (medium rare), three eggs (scrambled), half a pint of bourbon (Jim Beam), hot dog (Armour bun-length frank), pot of coffee (black), a nice smoke (Viceroy), chicken leg (mock), the other half pint of Beam (bourbon), bowl of cereal (Trix), beef jerky (courtesy of my escort), another smoke along with some potato salad (homestyle), glass of water (tap), a little something I couldn't tell what it was so I threw it out (back of the refrigerator), four Dutch windmill cookies (Rippin' Good, I think), bottle of ice cold beer (Pabst).

Cripes Almighty

So once a week I'm supposed to show up at some prearranged joint for a couple hours where my campaign handlers force me to drink $2 bottles of ice-cold Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery all the while I'm signing this and I'm signing that while I'm talking how I'm the second coming of George Washington and every other Tom, Dick and Dickless candidate is a loser-ass fockstick, not to mention having to scout the crowd for assembled ladies and gals who may possess the right stuff to serve as a running mate 'cause I plan to run a big-tent campaign and I sure would like it for a lady next to me center-ring under the big-top, you bet.

Putting the "Fock" in Focktoberfest

Say, if those Lakefront guys and gals don't make the best beer in town then I don't know who does.

Campaign Continues "But Good"

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? As the first two stops along these campaign tours of mine for whatever-office-you-got went off like fireworks on Chinese New Year, I'm continuing my push for public office as Mr. Yours Truly by hosting another drink-together at The Nomad World Pub and Tavernry this Thursday at 8 pm, don't forget. And it sure would be nice if all you Fockettes came out and showed your supports, I kid you not. But most importantly remember this: Vote Art Kumbalek and win a 10-speed bike, god bless America 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

What's On TV

-Seems those knobshines who report for the shirt-and-tie major regular media in this town don't seem to know my political-bent ass from a hole in the ground. Fock 'em.

What the hell, whenever national Tom, Dick or Dickless blow into town with a couple million bucks in their pocket to announce at a luncheon that they want to be president so that they're better-able to do favors for their rich-fock cronies, our TV News Friends can't break their necks fast enough to get a crew together to report from the scene; but when a local guy like me with no pot to pee in shows up somewheres to announce his historic intention to get elected to a couple, three offices, all on one ballot so as to better serve the workingman and those who'd like to be a workingman if they could only find a focking job, the hair-sprayed camera-ready "journalists" are nowhere to be seen.

Mr. Kumbalek Goes To Town

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And you bet, my gala big-time butt-kicking 2007-2008 Democracy Campaign For Some Kind—Any Kind—Of Political Office, Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am continues but good. I'll tell youse, the response to last week's campaign stop-and-drink over by the Lakefront Brewery was abso-focking-lutely phe-focking- nomenal. I haven't signed my name by request that often in a short period of time since the last time I declared bankruptcy, I kid you not.

Setting the Mensch Mark

Hey, you want to elect me county sheriff? No focking problem. I can right now promise you that me and my guys and gals when patrolling Milwaukee County's sanctified freeways, highways and cul de sacs what the fock, will be duty bound to sound the siren and pull-over to the side of the road any kind of vehicle sporting Illinois state license plates, whereupon all passengers in said vehicle will automatically receive a three-figure citation—not to mention what I'd euphemistically call a little "discipline session"—for polluting our fair county with their manure Bears-Cubs-Sox sentiments, I kid you not.

Casting Call

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So I figure as a bona-focking-fide candidate for public office, I ought to put the "bona" to use and round up some ambitious young ladies to serve as pages, lobbyists, funraisers and so forth for these upcoming campaigns of mine, what the fock. Therefore, I invite all hopeful Fockettes to a casting call at each of my campaign tour stops, and free admission for all who show up, I kid you not, 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

College kids love Art Kumbalek

College kids love Art Kumbalek
Originally uploaded by Milwaukee Shepherd Express

Click her to check out the rest of the pics from my first campaign stop, because I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

What the Fock

It has been called to my attention that the good people at Yahoo! News have taken an interest in these campaigns of mine.

To the Victors

Man oh manischewitz what a weekend, ain'a? Badgers, Brewers, Packers--big Ws for one and all, including me. During my annual 20-minute session of fall housecleaning, I came up 47 cents richer after I flipped a couch cushion. Viva Las Vegas!

Anyways, speaking of big Ws, you can be a big-ass winner too, provided you swing by the Lakefront Brewery this Wednesday, Sept. 19 (6-8pm) and help me launch my campaign for whichever and whatever political office there is needs filling. Yeah yeah, we'll have a couple, three beers, some laughs, and if everything goes the way it ought to, noboby gets handcuffed and fingerprinted. And if you can't make it Wednesday, there's a bunch of other campaign stops coming up. But one thing you've got to remember: Vote for me and win a ten-speed bike 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

A Man About Town for the Country

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as a gung ho-slinging bona-focking-fide candidate for whatever political office you've got a vote for in all the elections coming up—president, county executive, mayor, governor, county sheriff, homecoming king, alderman, some-kind-of-judge—I got to tell you's now that it's post-Labor Day 2007, I've decided to get my campaigns rolling but good.

My Campaign Tour

So here's the rundown, as you likely aren't able to read the infini-focking-tessimal type in the small, albeit attractive ad below, but if you want to you can by picking up a copy of the Shepherd Express at one of over eighty million odd locations throughout Cheese-and-beer-land, and while we're at it you ought to come drink beer with me at the following bars, venues, taverns, and locations, what the fock:

Wednesday, September 19 @ Lakefront Brewery
Thursday, September 27 @ Milwaukee Art (Kumbalek) Museum
Thursday, Focktober 4 @ The Nomad
Thursday, Focktober 11 @ Six Degrees
Thursday, Focktober 18 @ Pistol Pete's
Wednesday, Focktober 24 @ The Groove
Thursday, November 1 @ Trocadero

My Campaign Sticker

Maybe next time you will, too.

Man oh manischewitz what a world, ain' a?

I'm Art Kumbalek, and this is my beer.