All Saints' Day

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And just so you know in case you were wondering, the much ballyhooed juggernaut known as The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Campaign juggers on with one more officially sanctioned 2007 stop, this being over by the East Side's Trocadero, 7-9 p.m. All Saints' Day Nov. 1, you bet.

Hillary Schmillary

Did you see that Republican debate for the president the other night and all they could talk about was Hillary? I tell you's, if she gets elected I guess it'll be nice for me 'cause with Big Bill as her First-what-the-fock, I can use all the old Clinton jokes again and not have to think up anything new, ain'a?

Vote Art Kumbalek

Lord willing, hope to see you at one of these Democracy Express events. And what I know is the last one's at this Trocadero joint over by the East Side/Downtown's Water Street. And after that, Vote Art Kumbalek and win a 10-speed bike, god bless America. I approve this message 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

What A Gas

I'll tell you, that this experience has been dang-near like I croaked and got sent to heaven, I kid you not.

Beer Embrace

Beer Embrace
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Here's me and Dawn enjoyin' the finer things.

Bumpkin Carving

Lord willing, hope to see you at one of these Democracy Express events. And what I know is the last one's at this Trocadero joint over by the East Side/Downtown's Water Street, the day after Hallo-focking-ween.

Democracy Express 2008

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And yeah you bet, the Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office -- Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am -- Campaign has been like one big picnic on the cakewalk, I kid you not. Cripes, how the heck can you top the weekly picture of you and me getting together at some preordained joint to quaff $2 bottles of usually ice-cold Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront and also otherwise hob-nob on the ways and means for me to save this country through your generous support? Hey, you tell me.

Foreign Policy

The Kumbalek Fix: Shops, restaurants and focking condos. In Our Town where I come from, wherever we got some kind of problem this-or-that these days, we build shops, restaurants and condos over it and the problem seems to go away. So hey, how 'bout Darfur, Mexican border, Congo, Tora Bora, polar ice cap—Middle East? Erect a serviceable climate-controlled dome over Jerusalem and put in some nice shops, restaurants and condos. Mazel tov.

When I'm Elected

Need a prescription? Write it yourself and then tear it up 'cause you won't need it, no sir. We're going to have way-affordable over-the-counter drugs available 24/7 at every supermarket and 7-11 from coast to coast for whatever ails you. I especially insist on pills and capsulets to help the focksticks who can't keep their yaps shut during the motion picture at the movie theater as well as pills to prevent those knobs from waiting until every single focking item in their grocery cart crosses the scanner and be bagged by the plastic-paper consultant before they start fumbling for their checkbook and wad of coupons. And the pot what-they-call-the-marijuana? You bet. You'll find it in the seasoning section $9.95-an-ounce over by the baking accoutrements. Hey, it's green, and it comes from the earth just like your tomatoes, cauliflower and daffodils, so how can that be bad for you? You tell me.

Focktoberfest is a tax-deductible contribution

Focktoberfest is a tax deductible contribution
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Yes, it's true. Buy Focktoberfest beer at Pistol Pete's in Brook-focking-field and you can deduct it as a campaign contribution.

Find Value at Art-Mart

No matter what kind of bug-up-your-butt you got, be it local, state, asshole neighbor, nation-wide, wife/girlfriend, or world-wide, you just come to Art-Mart and I would sure-as-shootin' take care of it. With me in all the hallowed halls of offices, you would no longer have to dick around with the County Courthouse, City Hall, town-hall meeting, Madison, D.C., the Hague and who-knows-where. Fock no. Just come to me. Come to Art-Mart where you'll find value for all your political needs, I kid you not. All you got to do is get off your ass and vote.

One-Stop Shopping

My dream is that when it comes to your political needs, I would be your one-stop shopping—call me the Art-Mart for the Great Unwashed Public. I could be your county sheriff, mayor, alderman, judge, senator, ambassador, coroner, crossing guard, president; and all under one hat. How convenient would that be for you's?

Taxes

The Kumbalek Fix: No taxes no more, ever again, I promise. Hey, it's your goddamn dough not the government's, ain'a? Fock 'em. So in the future, when you got a problem with a street, go buy your own jackhammer and bucket of road tar so's you can fix it yourself smart-guy, 'cause after all it's your highway boule-focking-vard, not the government's, and don't you forget it.

an Excerpt From "The Kumbalek Diaries"

"See?" the first bum says. "If you didn't crap your pants, what's that focking turd doing in your BVDs?" And the other bum says, "Fock if I know. It was there when I found 'em."

Read more at www.shepherd-express.com

Foamy Americans

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as I make the speaking rounds during my Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office—Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am—Campaign, I've learned that the people are sick up to their focking eyeballs with all the knobshine bickering that goes on in our state legislatures, in our Congress and who-the-hell knows where else, I kid you not.

LL Cool A

Click her to see more photos
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

The ladies love cool Art! Here I am over by the Six Degrees with some of the lovely ladies that came by to support the campaign.

Oh, and Fock LL Cool J -- the ladies love Art K.

Free Speech

There's no free speech. Free speech costs dough and I don't have any. That's why all these rich-focks can run for government and it's like they get to speak through one of those fancy-schmancy speaker systems like they got in an arena. For the poor schmucks who can't pay for the free speech, it's like you may well as be talking with rotten teeth, bleeding gums, a draining boil on your tongue, and right before they hand you the microphone, somebody tapes your mouth shut and breaks your jaw with a focking baseball bat.

Campaign Tour lands on Water Street

I'd like to thank the real-not-phony Americans who have taken the time out of their day to show up at my campaign stops and drink $2 bottles of Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery and celebrate my historic candidacy for multiple political offices. As I remember, last week was an encouraging evening down by The Nomad on Brady and this Thursday it's over to a new joint Downtown, Six Degrees, Water St. & Clybourn, 7 to 9 p.m. -And get this, next week the 18th it's out to Brook-focking-field at the Pistol Pete's for heaven's sake. What a guy won't do for a vote and a two-buck-a-beer Focktoberfest, I tell you.

The People Ask:

How do you get two politicians to act bipartisan?
-You shoot one. Ba-ding!
What the fock.
And the people yearn to know:
What is the difference between a wealthy-ass candidate for public office
and a sack of manure?
-I figure it's got to be the sack, ain'a?

A Little Story

So for years and years, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel descended from the skies and said to these impassive figures, "You've been such inspirational statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I will bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which you can do anything you please." And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other tentatively, but soon dashed for the bushes, and shortly was heard a good deal of giggling and laughter, not to mention the shaking of branches. A while later, the two statues emerged from the bushes sporting wide grins and covered with dirt and leaves. The angel winked at them and said, "Just so you know, you still have fifteen more minutes." And the female statue turned to the male and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Nomad Tour Stop

IMG_0029
Originally uploaded by express milwaukee

Another volunteer joins the campaign. Click here to see more of the huddled masses.

Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It

As some of you's may have heard, I've been lately laying heavy pipe for my much ballyhooed Democracy Campaign For Any and All Political Office, Whatever You Got Needs Filling I'll Fill It 'Cause That's The Kind Of Guy I Am. And I got to tell you that this historic run to be your multiple public servant can take its physical toll on a fella like me not accustomed to a boatload of public activity on a regular basis, I kid you not.

Q: What's the difference between a "Cheesehead" and a "Dickhead?" A: THE STATE LINE

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Yeah yeah, so another Brewers baseball season has crumbled 'cross the furshlugginer finish line. But if it's of any consolation, why don't you ask yourself the same question I asked myself after the last game of the regular season, which is: What does a bear on birth control and the World Series have in common? No Cubs. Ba-ding!

Food For Thought

So this morning, with a couple hours of campaign work ahead of me, I figured it couldn't hurt to have a Babe Ruth kind of breakfast Bambino-style. This is what I had:

First, I called up one of those escort services to send somebody over 'cause when I've got a nice spread on my table, I enjoy a tidbit of chat with my meal, which was a T-bone steak (medium rare), three eggs (scrambled), half a pint of bourbon (Jim Beam), hot dog (Armour bun-length frank), pot of coffee (black), a nice smoke (Viceroy), chicken leg (mock), the other half pint of Beam (bourbon), bowl of cereal (Trix), beef jerky (courtesy of my escort), another smoke along with some potato salad (homestyle), glass of water (tap), a little something I couldn't tell what it was so I threw it out (back of the refrigerator), four Dutch windmill cookies (Rippin' Good, I think), bottle of ice cold beer (Pabst).

Cripes Almighty

So once a week I'm supposed to show up at some prearranged joint for a couple hours where my campaign handlers force me to drink $2 bottles of ice-cold Art Kumbalek Focktoberfest beer from Lakefront Brewery all the while I'm signing this and I'm signing that while I'm talking how I'm the second coming of George Washington and every other Tom, Dick and Dickless candidate is a loser-ass fockstick, not to mention having to scout the crowd for assembled ladies and gals who may possess the right stuff to serve as a running mate 'cause I plan to run a big-tent campaign and I sure would like it for a lady next to me center-ring under the big-top, you bet.

Putting the "Fock" in Focktoberfest

Say, if those Lakefront guys and gals don't make the best beer in town then I don't know who does.

Campaign Continues "But Good"

I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? As the first two stops along these campaign tours of mine for whatever-office-you-got went off like fireworks on Chinese New Year, I'm continuing my push for public office as Mr. Yours Truly by hosting another drink-together at The Nomad World Pub and Tavernry this Thursday at 8 pm, don't forget. And it sure would be nice if all you Fockettes came out and showed your supports, I kid you not. But most importantly remember this: Vote Art Kumbalek and win a 10-speed bike, god bless America 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.